Dealbreakers (for Starbucks Baristas in the Fraser Valley)

Initial Criteria
1. Must have a car.
2. Must have a full set of teeth.

Dealbreakers/makers; beyond initial criteria, dealbreakers will, of course, break the deal.
1. Listening to Creed or Nickelback: dealbreaker
2. Being arrested more than once: dealbreaker
3. If you’re Lindsey’s age and you live with your parents, deal’s off
4. Illegitimate child: you’re done.
5. Chance likes interesting teeth and Mary likes interesting noses.
6. Overbearing and jealous: dealbreaker
7. If, as a male, you have a Starbucks order that takes more than 10 syllables. If you have to explain to me how to make your drink while listening to Nickelback, it’s over.
8. Cargo pants (no one’s gotten laid in cargo pants since ‘Nam)
9. Pics of Paris Hilton and you on your computer, we’re done.
10. You must be able to grow facial hair. Otherwise, you’re not a man.
11. Jam bands can go either way, but if you’d rather drop acid and float around in skirts we’re probably not down.
12. If you do or have slept with a girl more than ten years younger than you, get a reality check. You’re a sugar daddy and a pedophile. Get over yourself.
13. Something about the color yellow
14. As females, we have the right and prerogative to take longer to get ready than you.
15. No public ear, bellybutton, nose, or toenail picking.
16. Can’t talk with your mouth full, and should take at least two showers a week.
17. “Control freaks are totally out.” – Starbucks patron
18. Musicians, especially those who play the piano, are particularly sexy to Lindsey.
19. Is willing and able to buy a lady dinner
20. You must be taller than we are. Preferably by two to three inches.
21. Must engage with us on our intellectual level which is, inevitably, higher than yours.
22. Park rats, skittles, hipsters, hippies, metrosexuals, cowboys, douchebags, diehard hunters/fishermen, ravers, assholes, commitmentphobes, squares, junkies, gymnasts, ice dancers, ski school instructors, dependants, trustafarians, and types of many other varieties NEED NOT APPLY.

Compiled by Lindsey, Mary, and Audrey.


4 thoughts on “Dealbreakers (for Starbucks Baristas in the Fraser Valley)

  1. I thought this was a list of who starbucks was willing to hire, not who the baristas are willing to “hire”. Confusing.

  2. But I can take you higher!
    To the place where blind men see
    I can you take you HIGHER
    To the place with go-ld-en streets.

    Come on, let’s go there
    Let’s ask can we stay?

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