I can stare now. Stare, stare, all you want, you’ll find nothing here, nothing in these eyes, these eyes are empty. Just like yours. Empty eyes staring into empty eyes. We can stare all we want all day long, nothing will change, and we will still be complete and utter strangers.
Eyes that speak are vulnerable, that’s what I’ve learned. Undefended eyes are a risk, a danger, to be avoided at all costs. Here you should not feel. Public eyes are stones. Shiny glass marbles that stare blankly into the void. If you see nothing, they can say nothing.
It’s not just my eyes.
My mind and my heart have become numbed. I no longer care, am no longer bothered or affected. I have to fight just to feel. Is this normal? Is this what happens here? Or is it part of some unending cycle – sympathy, empathy, apathy – rage! – when will I feel again, or is this apathy forever? I know it’s not but it sure is blissful.
Is this why we fight emotions here so much, because apathy is easier to live with here than anything else? Que sera sera, and as long as what sera doesn’t matter to me I will be très heureuse, très contente.
It’s a sick and twisted way to live, to not care somewhere where just a little would help so much.
But then I think, can anything new possibly happen? How long do we fight – do we hold steady or fight harder or do we disappear completely? What can possibly change the discourse, the discussion, the debate, the debacle?
Maybe next week I’ll have all the answers.